It's the end of a year and time for reflection. I could post about each family member and what they have learned or how they have grown, but I think that this post is going to be about me. Not because I'm selfish, but because what happened to me has redefined our whole family. Moms not only keep the family going, but we set the tone for the entire household. And my journey this year has really helped changed the face of our family.
At the beginning of 2015 I was still struggling with my fibro. I was in pain most of my days with just brief times of, well, less pain. But I didn't want that to stop my kids from participating in as many activities as they liked. They took an art class, piano lessons, soccer, baseball, archery, and many little things in between. And I ran them back and forth to each of these activities, whether exhausted or not. Because I love them and because I didn't want my pain and suffering to hold them back. But it did.
Then came April 28th, the day that will live in Litwiller infamy. Matt broke his leg. Devastating to Matt, of course, but to all of us as well. And to me in particular, because that break meant I had to cancel a long-awaited trip to Hawaii. And it wasn't a "just reschedule" type of thing. A once-in-a-lifetime trip, all expenses-paid, and with one of my closest friends. The dates were non-negotiable and there was nothing any of us could do. I wept every night for a couple of weeks about losing this opportunity, but it went far deeper. All I could see was myself losing good things over and over again throughout my entire life. A never-ending sea of losses and disappointments in my life. And I lost hope.
You see, fibromyalgia is about more than just chronic pain. Most of us also suffer from depression. When I was in college, my family doctor told me that I probably suffered from depression and should be treated but I told him that Christians don't get depressed and refused to discuss it further. He didn't press me and I doubt he even mentioned it to my parents. But it was there, lying just beneath the surface, waiting to come out full-strength once my fibro kicked in shortly after Anna was born. And I've dealt with it ever since.
Oh, I've done many things since then to help with the depression and the only lasting remedy is to continue to pray and read Scriptures. And to locate the lies. We all lie to ourselves constantly, continually, day after day, and those lies lead to the wrong beliefs about ourselves and about others. Several years ago I did a study called Lies Women Believe by Nancy Lee DeMoss and woke up to the reality of my lies. I've been working on telling myself truths and that is the only thing that really helps with my depression. But the bitter disappointment of losing that trip and the reality of caring for a child with a broken leg really tipped me over the edge. And I spiraled downward.
I didn't smile for about a week. I cared for Matt, I ran Anna and Ben to their activities, I arranged babysitters to stay with Matt, I ran him to appointments, I made meals. And then I sat at my computer and watched another dear friend take my place on that trip. I told Rob at that point that I was not going to hope for anything again. I was done with disappointment. I would live my life and just let things happen, but I wasn't ever planning anything again. I was done.
Enter another friend. She helped me through many of my dark days emotionally. I can't thank her enough for helping me get out of my head. And through that I realized how sick I really was. I will never lose the tendency for depression because I will never be cured of fibro, but I could certainly take steps to pull myself out of this crazy spiral and do something for my health. So I signed up to start a nutrition program called Isagenix. I don't have a ton of money--we live paycheck to paycheck--but I knew SOMETHING needed to change. And was going to move heaven and earth to make that change happen because I didn't want to live like this one second longer.
I started slow and took the program at my own pace. Five days after starting I ran out the door without my usual dose of morning pain. I stopped--and had to text my friend. I couldn't believe it!! It was amazing and a little fire of hope started flickering again.
We had another set-back in August when we found out that we don't qualify for a house loan. I had to let my dream of owning my own home die. Not going to lie--it was hard and depression came in again. But this time, it didn't stay. It didn't linger because my healthier body was able to help my mind tell myself good things, not lies, and I didn't stay in that depression nearly as long.
Another huge event happened on October 31st--I turned 40. I couldn't wait. I was so excited to start a NEW decade in my life and define this decade as one of fitness, fun, and a new fabulous me. And then I started a new challenge that helped me tweak my journey toward a better me and I feel better than ever. Most days I'm bounding with energy and scaring my kids (in a good way) with how much fun I am. I exercise, I eat right, and I stay on my super foods. It's not cheap, but instead of telling myself I can't afford this nutrition, I tell myself I can't afford NOT to use this nutrition system. We're rebudgeting, I'm using all of the Norwex income for it, and we're doing whatever we can because no one in the family wants to lose the New Mommy. It's worth every penny for this Penni. :)
Back when Matt first broke his leg, we talked about how we knew God had a reason for it. Matt could go on and on about all he personally learned during his time with a broken leg and we've really seen him mature because of the experience. But he summed up one of our biggest lessons best one day a couple of months ago when he was talking to Rob. Matt said, "Dad, I wish I hadn't broken my leg. No, you know what? I'm glad I broke my leg because if I hadn't, Mom would never have started on Isagenix." While I wish I could have taken away all of his pain and not seen him go through his struggles, I can now see the hand of God in all of the struggles. God didn't cause this accident to happen, but He certainly used it to change our family forever and for good.
So I'm looking forward to 2016 with my body and mind in a better place. I'm anticipating Hawaii Trip, Take 2 at the end of January. Turns out the company hadn't cancelled my ticket so I'm traveling with my same friend to have some fun in Orlando. It's not Hawaii, but that's not the important part. Having fun and being healthy is, along with knowing she'll be keeping up with me instead of the other way around. After that, the sky is the limit. We're going to have a great year together as a family and grow even more because Mom is finally doing better.
